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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26458054">make no sudden moves</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tourmalinex/pseuds/marvellingyou'>marvellingyou (tourmalinex)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barebacking, Blowjobs, Bottom Steve Rogers, Catholic Steve Rogers, Childhood Friends, Clothed Sex, Crossdressing, Crying During Sex, Emotional Sex, Erectile Dysfunction, Feminization, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Frotting, Gay Bucky Barnes, Gay Steve Rogers, Grieving, Internalized Homophobia, Lingerie, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-War, Puberty, Questioning, Religious Guilt, Self-harm as penance, Steve Rogers Feels, Top Bucky Barnes, Wet Dream, and all its complications</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:48:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,043</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26458054</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tourmalinex/pseuds/marvellingyou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Before there was Martha, Janette, Betty, and Dolores, Steve was Bucky’s good-time gal.</p><p>Short, gangling, with a righteous temper that was flared if someone looked at him wrong. Steve was all too aware of how others viewed him. As an invalid. As a scrawny runt. As less of a man.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>135</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Before there was Martha, Janette, Betty, and Dolores, Steve was Bucky’s good time gal.</p><p>Bucky knew he was queer, deep down. The girls he danced with were soft, pretty, and blushed to high heaven when he whispered filthy, sweet nothings to them either in public as he led them by the hand or in the privacy of a dark bedroom. But damn, if he didn’t admit that he appreciated the male form. Some of the men down at the docks were stacked, bodies sculpted by a day’s hard work, glistening with a thin veil of sweat. And just as easily as he could admit to being queer—to no one in particular—he was also a coward. Bucky never dared to go to the baths on Coney Island, or any of the bars where other men like him often found each other. He was afraid of the wrong person finding out about his preferences and turning him over to the police, or kill him. And maybe he was afraid of liking it<em> too </em>much. Would another man’s kiss be addicting? Would Bucky want to explore their bodies just as much?</p><p>And then there was Steve. Short, gangling, with a righteous temper that was flared if someone looked at him wrong. His eyes shimmered like water under a summer sun, and his broken beak of a nose was kissed by the freckles that also graced his cheeks and shoulders. He looked like a gust of wind could knock him down, but Steve knew how to use his bony fists in a fight. Steve was all too aware of how others viewed him. As an invalid. As a scrawny runt. As less of a man. No girl ever looked twice at him. Maybe Edith Delaney in fourth grade did, but after being immediately made fun of for paying him any attention, she never talked to Steve again. </p><p>★ ★ ★</p><p>It was as small as a seed, innocently sewn into the soil without knowing it would take root. Being boys, Bucky and Steve wanted to run around the streets of New York and turn over every stone. But there were times when they were restricted to the Barnes’ home and had to include Becca in their fun.</p><p>“I wanna play house!” she said, puffing out her cheeks.</p><p>“That’s boring.” Bucky stared out the window, watching as other kids kicked around an empty can. “Right Steve?”</p><p>“Doesn’t matter to me.” Steve looked over at Becca. “If we play for a lil’ bit, you gotta do what we want.”</p><p>Becca scrunched her nose, let out a long contemplated hum. “Will you draw me a rabbit?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Okay. C’mon Bucky! Steve’s gonna play, too!”</p><p>Bucky sighed in defeat, shoulders slumping. “<em>Fine</em>,” he said. “But after this we’re doin’ somethin’ else.”</p><p>“Steve, you get to be the mama and Bucky’s the papa.”</p><p>Steve shrugged. “It’s just for a lil’ bit, right?”</p><p>Becca nodded excitedly. “Yeah!”</p><p>She ran off, rummaging around in her room, only to return with a soft blue dress with a white collar. Becca held it out in front of Steve, who flushed a deep red as Bucky laughed.</p><p>“Wanna back out yet?” Bucky flashed a toothy grin. </p><p>“You’re mama, so you gotta be pretty!”</p><p>Steve’s stomach tightened. Maybe this was a mistake. Why couldn’t he just be the butler instead? Or a milkman? Now he had to wear a dress, at the whim of his best friend’s younger sister. He got it. He was smaller than Bucky and other boys their age. He was a stick and maybe his eyelashes were longer than he’d like but he was still a boy.</p><p>“M’not a girl,” Steve grumbled. “Do I hafta?”</p><p>Becca stomped her foot, resolute. </p><p>“Like she said, Stevie,” Bucky teased. “Mama’s gotta be pretty.”</p><p>A flame flickered in Steve then. Somehow, it was different when Bucky said it. He could be pretty to Bucky. Steve took the dress tentatively, much to Becca’s delight and Bucky’s teasing.</p><p>Steve wasn’t sure how a husband and wife were supposed to act. His own father died before he was born, and he only caught glimpses of Bucky’s parents. But Steve knew one thing for certain. He loved the way Bucky was sweet on him, even if it was just pretend. </p><p>From then on, a green monster lived in Steve’s bones, raging rabidly as they grew older, and Steve had to watch as girl after girl held Bucky’s attention. Anyone else might’ve thought that Steve wanted a girl to look his way, too. But all Steve could imagine was being the one holding onto Bucky’s arm as they walked. </p><p>★ ★ ★</p><p>Steve was often home alone, not that he was resentful of it. His mother had a strenuous job as a nurse, and the hospital demanded her presence constantly. So, he drew. Steve managed to see the beauty in everything, despite the lack of color. Just the lighting was enough to illuminate the brightest points and the most profound shadows. And while Bucky was his best friend, Steve understood that sometimes Bucky had other friends to play with. Ones that didn’t bruise so easily. Again, not that Steve was resentful. All that time alone cultivated his imagination. At such a young age, he was wonderful at still-life drawings, but landscapes from the dime novels Bucky read to him poured out, knowing all too well that with his health, he may not live to see any of it.</p><p>He was skilled at drawing people, too. Steve was far from a prodigy but he still managed to capture the likeness of people’s faces. A drawing he did an hour ago haunted him, however. It was of a petite young woman in a blouse and skirt. Her hair was very short, though not quite flapper-like. It took Steve a while to understand why he was so unnerved by this etched woman. Or perhaps he tried burying it down, afraid of admitting a sick truth.</p><p>“Hey, Steve!”</p><p>Bucky’s voice boomed as he knocked on the front door. The blonde jumped up at Bucky’s sudden arrival. Steve tried to shuffle the sketch filled papers together in a neat stack, but Bucky was insistent, knocking once again.</p><p>“C’mon! It’s hot out here and I got some cola!”</p><p>Steve unlocked the door and turned the knob, letting Bucky in. His hair was a mess from running around and sweat dripped from his forehead. He held up the bottles in triumph and smiled brightly.</p><p>“Figured you could use an ice-cold drink,” he said, coming into the living room. </p><p>“Thanks.” </p><p>Steve felt the blood rushing to his cheeks, somehow at ease and in knots that Bucky thought of him. He rubbed the back of his neck as he made his way to the kitchen, fumbling around the drawers looking for the bottle opener. Once he found it, a thrill seized him. It was childish and yet Steve was smiling to himself.</p><p>But once he rejoined Bucky, Steve’s face fell. Bucky was there, bottles set down on the table as he held the page that had been pricking at him. He turned towards Steve, smiling innocently.</p><p>“Huh, kinda looks like your ma,” Bucky said. “Kinda like…” His eyes flicked up, searching Steve for confirmation.</p><p>“Y-Yeah,” Steve stammered. “Jus’ wondered what she’d look like with short hair.”</p><p>“You should show her.” Bucky placed the paper back down. “Don’t think she’ll cut any of it off, but it’s really good.”</p><p>“Thanks, Buck.”</p><p>Even after gulping down a bottle of soda, Steve’s mouth was steeped in sourness. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys! Thanks for giving this fic a chance. Just as a quick note: Steve is conflating sexual orientation with gender identity, which wasn’t uncommon at the time. While knowing that he is a guy, he has the desire to be Bucky’s girl. So this fic is more about Steve figuring out what he wants, and if it’s okay to seek out his happiness.</p><p>To clarify, when Bucky and Steve play dress-up with Becca, they’re about 6 or 7. In the next section, Steve is around twelve.</p><p>The fic title comes from the song No Sudden Moves by Julia Nunes. I've been listening to it on repeat, along with The Mountain Goat's cover of Blood Bank.</p><p>Comments and kudos make my day, especially in these hellish times. To my fellow west coast peeps, please stay extra safe and indoors if you can! COVID-19 is bad enough, but now we can't even open the windows to get some fresh air 😭😭</p><p>If you're digging this please check out my other stucky fics! See y'all next time!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>They went down to the theater, watching Fred and Ginger dance together in glorious black and white. Ginger was gorgeous in her sparkling down and Fred was suave and charming as he picked her up and twirled her around. Bucky was suave and charming, too. But Steve could never be as glamorous, not to mention he had two left feet on the dance floor. </i>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! Here we are, with chapter 2!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Steve wondered what it was like to have a different body, one that wasn’t so sickly. Boys his age were growing taller and stronger, while he remained stunted. He supposedly had his growth spurt in the summer, but it made little to no difference and was a bit of a sore spot for him. And apparently, there was more to growing up than just getting bigger. His peers often whispered on the schoolyard, talking about other parts that grew. Parts Steve was ashamed and embarrassed of. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His mother made him read books about the joys of adolescents and puberty, but Steve hated all of it. He couldn’t even grow like a normal kid, and now he had to worry about all that gross stuff. But more than anything, Steve hated how much his body reminded him that he and Bucky were similar. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And God hated men that made their bed with other men. That’s what Father Patrick had said one Sunday. People nodded their heads in agreement, and Steve didn’t know what to make of that. He looked to his mother, in hopes of seeing a different reaction. In the end, however, Steve couldn’t read her face and he didn’t dare to ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Girls were supposed to be nice to kiss. Steve never kissed a girl—</span>
  <em>
    <span>shocker</span>
  </em>
  <span>—and he wasn’t sure if he’d even like it. But he listened intently as Bucky told him about making out with Patty behind the library. Although, it wasn’t for the sake of knowing how sweet a girl could get then you’re kissing her. What was it like to kiss Bucky? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m tellin’ you Steve.” Bucky grinned. “Havin’ a gal’s tongue in your mouth is somethin’ else.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mhmm,” Steve said, partially feigning interest. “Bet it is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aww, don’t be so sore ‘bout it.” Bucky slung his arm around Steve’s shoulders. “You’ll get yourself a girl in no time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yeah, a girl who would probably go on another pity date with Steve because Bucky asked her to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure, Bucky. They’re linin’ up right now. Goin’ for miles to kiss the guy who almost died because his lungs don’t work.” Steve didn’t bother to hide any bitterness, but not for the lack of love interests. He hated how easily he caught fevers and colds. Sometimes it was just as easy as </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And being sick, being on the brink of death some nights meant less time with Bucky.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, don’t talk about my best guy like that.” He rubbed his knuckles on top of Steve’s head, much to the blonde’s annoyance. “Now c’mon. There’s a new picture at the theater. And before you go on about not havin’ money I can treat.”  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They went down to the theater, watching Fred and Ginger dance together in glorious black and white. Ginger was gorgeous in her sparkling down and Fred was suave and charming as he picked her up and twirled her around. Bucky was suave and charming, too. But Steve could never be as glamorous, not to mention he had two left feet on the dance floor. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Afterwards, Bucky walked Steve back home. If Steve were a girl, he’d think of tonight as a date. A date without a kiss at the end. </span>
</p>
<p>★ ★ ★</p>
<p>
  <span>Most of the crowd left and the streets were dimly lit. Behind the movie theater, Steve and Bucky slipped away, with Bucky leading him further down the alley.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Buck, where are we goin’,” Steve asked, struggling to see in the dark. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Here should be good,” Bucky said as he came to a stop, a few feet away from a dead end. If anyone walked by, they were blanketed in the shadows, completely undetectable.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve sighed, exhausted. He just wanted to go home and there he was in an alleyway with Bucky. “Will you tell me what’s goin’ on and—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was cut off by Bucky’s lips capturing his own as he pressed Steve against the wall of the building. Steve squirmed, feeling thrilled and terrified when Bucky’s hands palmed at the tightness in his pants. It felt so goddamn good that Steve couldn’t help but whimper against Bucky’s lips. Thanks to his bum heart and poor circulation, Steve had a difficult time staying hard. He went through many lonely nights where all he wanted to do was get off but his fucking body wouldn’t let him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As Bucky pulled away, Steve sighed dreamily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let me touch you,” Bucky whispered as he undid the button on Steve’s trousers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“B-Bucky,” Steve moaned, gasping for air. “M’already c-close.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky’s gaze washed over him, consuming every inch of his body. And Steve would give himself wholly to Bucky, if he asked. All he would have to do is snap his fingers, and Steve would crawl to him, ready to be anything he wanted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then show me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve’s eyes blinked open in the morning light. His cheeks were heated, but the inside of his underwear felt warmer and stickier than any summer heat. He was uncomfortable to move and ashamed to accept that he was now awake, far from a dream that could never be in the first place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve scrubbed at his underwear furiously in the sink, sniffling as tears streamed down his cheeks.</span>
</p>
<p>★ ★ ★</p>
<p>
  <span>Against his better judgment, Steve told Bucky the truth. With Sarah having back to back shifts at the hospital, she didn’t have time to run back home. And Steve, well. Without much money to his name—Mr. Murphy had to let him go—Steve didn’t have a lot in terms of food. He had some toast here and there, a few cans of corn, and had just finished a can of corned beef. They argued for a good half hour before Bucky stormed out of Steve’s apartment, fed up with his stubbornness, only to come back with bags of groceries under each arm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Next time, tell me when you’re low on dough,” Bucky muttered as he placed some things into the icebox. “You can’t live off-a just sliced bread.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve was stunned to silence, watching dumbly. “Thanks, Buck,” he croaked, face flushed as his eyes avoided Bucky’s gaze. “You didn’t need to do this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like hell I didn’t. You mean a lot to me, punk. Can’t have you go starvin’.” He flicked Steve’s forehead. “Can’t trust your stubborn ass to ask for help. I called my folks and told them I’m stayin’ with you for a bit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“W-What!” Steve sputtered. “M’not a little kid, Bucky! I can take care of myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky’s mouth twisted into a wry smile as he smacked Steve’s shoulder. “Yeah, pal, I know. Doesn’t mean you’re doin’ a good job of it. I’ll take the couch.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And that was that. Steve grumbled throughout the first night as Bucky grabbed a blanket and made himself at home on the couch. Even when Bucky said good night with a yawn lacing his voice, Steve thought that maybe this was unnecessary. Regardless, he was thankful for having Bucky in his life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But the nights were getting colder, and Steve’s chattering teeth could be heard from the living room through the paper-thin walls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve tossed and turned in his bed, unable to find a comfortable position to sleep in. He wondered if Bucky was having a hard time, too. The couch Sarah bought over ten years ago was fine overall, but didn’t make a suitable bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As if on cue, Steve heard a knock on his bedroom door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he called out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door creaked open as Bucky stepped into its frame, hunched over and rubbing at his forearms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can’t sleep with your teeth knockin’ together,” he said as he walked up to Steve’s bed, the wooden floor creaking with every step. “Move over. S’cold.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve obliged, shifting closer towards the wall so Bucky had some room. His cheeks warmed as he felt Bucky behind him, moving around until he was comfortable enough. They’d done this before when they were younger, so what would be the difference now? Unfortunately for Steve, he was cramped in a tight space between the cold wall and Bucky and it was bad enough Bucky felt like he had to be there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatcha thinkin’ so loud for,” Bucky whispered. He knew Steve too well sometimes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just hard to sleep, Buck,” Steve muttered, pulling the blanket up to his chin. “I’m freezin’ over here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then I guess I just gotta get closer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky wrapped an arm around Steve, bringing himself closer to the blonde. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“W-What are—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“—it’s just to stay warm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He took his hand back, but Bucky was pressing so closely to Steve that he thought his heart would burst. His poor, bum heart was hammering away at Bucky’s chest against his back, and his hips right there against his ass. But the worst of it was how hard Steve got from it all. What if Bucky found out and hated him for it? They only talked about boners in their early teens, and it was more of a confirmation. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So this thing happened. Happened to me, too. Oh, okay.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Other than that, Bucky mostly just talked about stuff he did with girls—the necking, how they’d tease him and how he’d tease back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve sucked in a breath as Bucky shifted around, and Steve could have </span>
  <em>
    <span>sworn</span>
  </em>
  <span> he felt something brush against one of his ass cheeks. He stilled for a moment, blood running cold. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t have to mean a damn thing. Maybe it was an accident and Steve should just pretend he didn’t notice. But the more Steve tried to take his mind off it, Bucky kept getting closer until he was finally bold enough to fully grind against Steve.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“B-Bucky,” Steve gasped as he felt Bucky’s length rubbing between his cheeks. He wanted to turn around and look at Bucky, to make sure that this wasn’t just another dream of his.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“S’okay Steve,” Bucky hushed. He lazily snaked his hand back around Steve’s waist, slipping it under his waistband. His fingertips brushed against the tip of Steve’s hardening cock, making the blonde squirm at his touch. Bucky took it as a sign to keep going, then wrapped his hand around the shaft, giving a slow, experimental stroke. “Jus’ tryin’ to get you relaxed enough to sleep.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve’s hips shifted to meet Bucky’s as he moved faster, timing the strokes with each thrust. It was sloppy now, between his legs, clear precome slicking his reddening tip. This was better than his dream, better than anything he could have imagined. Bucky’s hand was working him over, and Steve was completely lost in pleasure, his nerves overwhelmed. And fuck, Bucky’s cock, though clothed, was right </span>
  <em>
    <span>there</span>
  </em>
  <span> and with each ragged breath in his ear, Steve realized Bucky liked this, too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Feel good?” Bucky asked as he mouthed at Steve’s neck, making him cry out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Y-Yes,” Steve squeaked, much to his embarrassment. “I think I-I’m… </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m</span>
  </em>
  <span>—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“—me too, Stevie.” Bucky’s thrusts had grown wild, no longer caring for timing or gentleness. He took Steve’s shoulder between his teeth, clenching down to quiet his groans. Steve’s mouth fell open, a soft cry escaping him as his body trembled, and his cock pulsing as come coated his lower stomach and Bucky’s hand. Bucky followed right behind him, coming in his pants and holding Steve so close that for a second, Steve thought they were melding together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve went slack in Bucky’s arms, feeling lifeless and full of life all at the same time as he strained to catch his breath. A weight was lifted from him, but Steve also felt like he was hit by a car. He never knew it could be this good with someone else, with someone you liked. But before he could even process the complex emotion, his eyelids grew heavy, and Steve heard Bucky whisper his name as he slipped into sleep.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So the movie Steve and Bucky watched was <i>Follow the Fleet</i>, and apparently in 1936 movie ticket prices were $0.25! </p>
<p>Poor Steve, with his wet dreams and confusion on being in love with Bucky. And now, he doesn't know what to think after Bucky slept over and gave him a hand. Tune in next time for chapter 3, where things go a little awry. Don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss out on any updates! Comments and kudos are highly appreciated in these trying times. If you're attending school, good luck with midterms! I just finished one myself, and I'm off to do another one! </p>
<p>If you want you can poke me on <a href="https://twitter.com/queerestblues">twitter</a> where I sometimes draw Steve in maid outfits</p>
<p>Stay safe out there and do something you enjoy! Love y'all &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>They didn’t talk about it the next morning. In fact, both of them treated it as if it hadn’t happened. At least, Steve hoped Bucky wouldn’t bring it up. While last night was everything he could have wanted, he was afraid. This was too new, and admittedly, Steve didn’t know what to do. <b>Should</b> they talk about it? If they did, would Bucky want to take it back and move on with his life? That sounded unbearable, but if it was what Bucky wanted, Steve had no choice other than to respect it. </i>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! </p><p>Please heed the "self-harm as penance" tag! It isn't particularly very descriptive, but painful! If you'd like to know exactly what Steve does without having to read it, please look at the end notes. Other than that, there's a lot of angst in this chapter because I specialize in having the case of the feelios.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They didn’t talk about it the next morning. In fact, both of them treated it as if it hadn’t happened. At least, Steve hoped Bucky wouldn’t bring it up. While last night was everything he could have wanted, he was afraid. This was too new, and admittedly, Steve didn’t know what to do. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Should</span>
  </em>
  <span> they talk about it? If they did, would Bucky want to take it back and move on with his life? That sounded unbearable, but if it was what Bucky wanted, Steve had no choice other than to respect it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But to Steve’s pleasant surprise, Bucky joined him in bed once again, pressing against Steve’s back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon Steve,” Bucky crooned, nipping at Steve’s earlobe. “Let’s get warmed up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time, Steve turned around to face Bucky, kissing him with desperation as Bucky brought a hand to cradle the back of his head. He felt Bucky’s tongue slipping past his lips, licking into his mouth, and the intoxicating wetness of tongue against tongue could’ve made Steve come right there in his pants. Now he knew what Bucky was going on about. This was fuckin’ heaven. Steve whimpered, squirming as a thrilling, hot tightness pooled in the pit of his stomach. God, he’d wanted this forever, and there Bucky was, in bed with him. If it had turned out this was all just a fever-induced dream, Steve didn’t want to wake up. These were Bucky Barnes’ kisses. Kisses that most girls in Brooklyn had. And now, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Steve</span>
  </em>
  <span> got to experience this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they parted, a thin strand of spit connected them. Steve was lost looking into Bucky’s eyes, wanting more and more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Bucky whispered, licking his lips. “Gettin’ me work up, Stevie.” His hand trailed down, slipping towards Steve’s crotch. Steve’s breath hitched as Bucky groped at him, palming over his still-soft cock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve’s heart sank. He hated his body for failing him, especially when all of this felt good and right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I can do it,” Steve mumbled. “But I…”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I want to thank you for everything.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Without another word, Steve moved down, tugging Bucky’s underwear down to his knees. Before Bucky could say anything, Steve took Bucky’s cock in his hand, staring in awe of how much thicker and harder he was, precome dripping from the slit. Steve licked his lips, making them as wet as possible, then dragged his tongue in slow circles around the tip, making Bucky gasp. He cradled the back of Steve’s head, gently urging him to take more, and Steve obeyed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Stevie,” Bucky gritted through his teeth. He jolted his hips forward before pulling back, savoring the warmth and wetness of Steve’s mouth. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Doll</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve’s heart fluttered at the endearment. He wasn’t sure if Bucky meant to say it, or if it was in the heat of the moment. No matter how good at this he was, he couldn’t be Bucky’s girlfriend. But maybe he could be Bucky’s doll. A perfect doll that could be everything Bucky wanted. And if they both wanted this, then how could it be wrong?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve worked his mouth along Bucky’s length, nearly gagging as he struggled to breathe through his nose. But as he felt Bucky’s hands smoothing over the top of his head, he wanted to prove to Bucky and himself that he could do this. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gettin’ close, doll.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was that word again, and all it did was fuel Steve’s desire to please Bucky, to make him feel good, to be better than all the other dames in New York. If Bucky let him, Steve could be everything he wanted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up with Bucky, eyes half-lidded, pupils blown. In the darkness, Steve could make out furrowed eyebrows and a clenched jaw. Bucky’s hips moved faster, his hands holding Steve’s head as close to the base of his cock as possible. The tip of Steve’s nose brushed against the nest of dark, curly hair, and he hummed, content, as if that was meant to be his place. And feeling the warmth of Steve’s mouth around him made Bucky come thick ropes down Steve’s throat, hands gripping at Steve’s hair. Steve gulped it down graciously, sighing in thankful praise as if it was holy communion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So… so good,” Bucky breathed out, continuing to pet Steve’s head as he cleaned him up with his mouth, making sure not one drop of come was wasted. When Steve was sure he cleaned Bucky properly, he planted one last kiss on the softening  cock before pulling Bucky’s underwear back up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here,” Bucky said, pulling Steve into one more kiss, tasting himself on Steve’s tongue. “Let’s get some sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled Steve onto his chest, resting his head right over his heart. Bucky’s words, warmth and steady heartbeat easily lulled Steve into a peaceful sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>★ ★ ★</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve and Bucky shared the bed every night for the rest of the week, exploring each other’s bodies. Bucky’s hands often traveled under Steve’s waistband while Steve committed every inch of Bucky’s chest to memory. They still didn’t talk about it outside of bed, but Steve beamed at the idea that Bucky liked this too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time Bucky went back to his folk’s place, Sarah’s presence was more frequent, but still sparse. As soon as she could, she kissed her son’s forehead, happy to see him in good spirits. He listened as she talked a bit about work, and how the amount of patients were increasing and how she wished she could spend more time with him instead of being at work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, ma,” he said. “I’m fine here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what I heard from Winnie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve sighed. Of course Bucky’s mom told her. “It was… a little rough for a bit. But I’m doing better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next day I have off, why don’t we do somethin’ nice?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds great.” Sarah ruffled Steve’s hair before heading out again, leaving Steve to his own devices.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky mentioned watching another picture together, and that he could snag dates for the both of them. Steve wasn’t really interested in meeting another girl that wouldn’t want him, especially when all he wanted was Bucky’s attention. But maybe in the dark of the theater… even if for only a second, Steve could put his hand on top of Bucky’s, and use his coat to hide it. Or put Bucky’s hand on top of his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you change your mind, you know where to find me,” Bucky said, when Steve first rejected the offer. Steve looked up at the clock and saw that if he rushed, he could still make it on time. He locked the door behind and made his way over, shoving his hands in his pockets, because otherwise he didn’t know what to do with them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time he got to the theater, the sun had just slipped into the horizon and night blanketed the city. He searched for Bucky among the crowd of people lined up to enter the building. Steve couldn’t see him anywhere, and he didn’t hear anyone calling out for him either. Maybe Bucky was running late? Steve circled around the block mindlessly, trying to calm the stirring in his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bucky, stop that!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve perked up at hearing his best friend’s name. The voice was followed by a soft giggle. His eyes scanned the sidewalk, and he noticed a small alleyway. Steve approached with caution, the feeling in his chest slowly morphing into something he didn’t quite understand. The streetlight barely illuminated the alley, but it was enough for Steve to make out two figures in the shadows. As he got closer, he stayed low and quiet even though the blood rushing in his body roared in his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon, a lil’ kissin’ before a movie ain’t so bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve swallowed thickly. That was definitely Bucky’s voice. His eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he could see Bucky pressing up against a young woman with his knee between her legs. His face was buried at the crook of her neck as his hands worked at her chest, making her moan softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if someone sees,” she whispered as Bucky continued to suck on her neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry,” he said. Bucky’s hand was snaking up her thigh, breaching just beneath her skirt.  “No one’s gonna see us here, doll.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Doll</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve’s mouth was as dry as the pages in his sketchbook and his stomach was twisted in knots he wasn’t sure he could undo. And yet he managed to will his legs to take him away, as far as he could go. At some point, he was sure a neighbor tried asking him what was wrong—especially since Steve nearly knocked her over. But he barrelled through until he got home, slamming the door behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His lungs were on fire, eyes stinging with tears that flooded his vision as he rushed to his bedroom. He clutched at his bedsheets, clawing at them until they came off. He needed to get rid of them. He couldn’t bear to be surrounded by the same sheets he and Bucky slept upon.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Stupidstupidstupid.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course what they did wasn’t special. Steve wasn’t Bucky’s girl, and he could never be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was another cold night, and Steve was okay with risking freezing to death on a stripped mattress. He’d clean those sheets tomorrow. Twice, if he had to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>★ ★ ★</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve’s nights had been sleepless. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Bucky and that girl in the alley. And he couldn’t tell anyone. Not his ma. She was tired every time she came home. He couldn’t talk to his parish priest unless he wanted to be locked up. It wasn’t like he had any other friends. He couldn’t talk to Bucky. He had no right to be upset. After all, Bucky was a young man, doing what he was supposed to do—kiss a young woman. Steve was the one who was wrong this whole time, and he needed to atone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Normally, Steve didn’t go into his mother’s room, but he knew about her special tin box, the one where she kept some mementos of his father. It was tucked away, under her bed, with a thin layer of dust covering it. Steve wiped away at some of the dust, feeling the dents and grooves of the box. As he carefully opened the lid, it was as if he could smell the past, and it wasn’t terrible. Upon closer inspection, the smell made sense. In the box was a tiny bottle of cologne, some tightly rolled cigars and a few folded letters and some photographs of Joseph and Sarah together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He picked up one of the photographs, one where both his parents were smiling. Sarah looked less tired back then, with her hair in a braid and her eyes bright. His father looked just as strong as his mother always said. Fierce jaw, confident expression and a sure stance. He didn’t know why Sarah often said Steve resembled his father, when he looked nothing like this pinnacle of a man. If anything, Steve fell short, unworthy of even his father’s shadow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve put the box back where it came from, then scurried off to his room. He searched through his drawers, where he kept Bucky’s pack of cigarettes for when he came over (Winifred hated when he wasted his money on it, so Steve offered to hide it and let Bucky smoke on the fire escape). He took one of them out and held it between his teeth while he grabbed the matchbox. Steve had seen Bucky do this hundreds of times, so it was easy. As he struck the match and let the flame dance at the other end of the stick, he sucked in a breath, letting the fire eat at the cigarette. He shook the match out and let the smoke stay in his mouth, never letting it fully go down his throat. He coughed a little, still unused to the feeling, but it was just enough to get the cigarette going.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Men smoked all the time. He saw it on the streets, at school and Bucky does it. His father must have, too, based on his belongings in the box. Steve couldn’t really smoke because of his already shitty lungs. His mother had to get him an inhaler and nebulizer to help with his asthma, because he would go into fits when he struggled to breathe. But this wasn’t smoking to be a man. This was an apology for not being enough of one. Steve flicked off some of the ashes, watching the end of the cigarette glow. He grabbed it with his thumb and forefinger as he steadied his left arm. With a wavering breath, he pressed it down on his skin. He bit his lower lip, struggling not to completely cry out. But tears came anyway as he relit the cigarette and repeated the process. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve Rogers wasn’t a true man, and he was full of sin.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><b>* Spoiler *</b> Steve burns himself with cigarettes. He feels that he can't talk to anyone about how he feels, and that there's something wrong with him.</p><p>The next chapter is also angst heavy, given the timeline and all. But it doesn't stay sad! There's still a happy ending for Steve and Bucky I promise!</p><p>Thank you guys for all the kudos and comments! Whenever I get an email notification I get stupidly happy and I'm sure that my cat judges my giddiness. If you're in the West Coast like me, please stay especially safe! These fires and air quality is no joke! Stay cool and hydrated everyone! I'll see y'all in the next update!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steve is finding that life is a little touch and go. And sometimes, all you need to do is find a box.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you guys for your comments and kudos! They mean so much to me 😭😭</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The world had come to a grinding halt.</p><p>Steve had been on death’s door too many times to count, but losing his mother was more than he could bear.  He’d greet death a thousand times over if it meant sparing his mother’s life. Instead, he watched helplessly as she became this shell of a person, cheeks hollowed out and body withered to bones. If Steve was honest, he barely recognized Sarah at the end. The only part of her that stayed the same was her eyes and her voice, but even then, it wasn’t the same voice that sang Steve to sleep when he was a boy.</p><p>He went home before anyone could talk to him. Steve couldn’t even bear to talk to the Barnes family, and it wasn’t their fault. But he knew Winifred would tell him to stay with them, especially now that Bucky and Becks moved out. Knowing her, she’d make sure Steve was taken care of for the rest of his life, and not everyone in his position had that kind of security. And he knew that. </p><p>But someone like Steve didn’t deserve it. No, he didn’t deserve that kindness when he was a festering fool, lusting after someone who trusted him—and why Bucky did, Steve would never know. All the cigarette burns, Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s couldn’t absolve him from his sins.  </p><p>And he couldn’t betray his mother by leaving the home she lived in since she and Joseph had their first jobs here in New York. Aside for some clothes, her wedding ring, and a necklace, the apartment was all he had left of his mother. That, and memories that he was worried would disappear with time.</p><p>Sure enough, Bucky caught up with Steve anyways, face covered with a thin veil of sweat, like he ran across the world for Steve. And even slightly disheveled, Bucky looked immaculate, in a fine suit with his hair slicked back. And of course he offered to have Steve move in with him, all for the price of shining his shoes and taking out the trash. Essentially, for free. </p><p>
  <em> Damn it, Bucky. </em>
</p><p>“I can get by on my own.”</p><p>He could find a way, he thinks. There’s some money saved up, even if it’s not much. He would just have to space out what he ate and make sure he didn’t get sick. Easy peasy.</p><p>But having Bucky’s hand on his shoulder didn’t help.</p><p>“The thing is, you don’t have to. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, pal."</p><p>
  <em> Pal. Right. </em>
</p><p>Steve stuck the key in his lock and opened the door. Maybe today, he could finally get some sleep. Between raking up money and planning the funeral and attempting to cry himself to sleep without actually sleeping, Steve was so desperately tired. He could sleep for a year, or for the rest of his life. But he felt Bucky right behind him and heard the front door creaking shut. Before he could turn around to tell Bucky he wanted a nap, he felt Bucky’s lips against his, and Bucky’s strong hands framing his face. His thumbs stroked at Steve’s jaw, and the blonde couldn’t help but whine into the kiss, melting as Bucky slipped his tongue past his lips and pushed him against the wall. Steve’s blood was on fire and his bones were shaking out of his skin. This was too good to be true, and better than he deserved.</p><p>“Wait,” he said, though his voice was barely above a whisper. Given that Bucky moved down to mouthing at his neck, he probably didn’t hear. Though half-heartedly, Steve balled his hand into a fist and tapped on Bucky’s shoulder.</p><p>“Bucky… Buck, <em> wait</em>.”</p><p>Immediately, Bucky pulled away, eyebrows furrowed and lips swollen. “What's wrong?”</p><p>“I-I can’t.” Steve hung his head low, disappointed in himself. </p><p>“I could make it better,” Bucky breathed. “Just for a bit.”</p><p>And fuck, Steve wanted Bucky to make good on that promise. He wanted that more than anything right now. But it could never get better. And even if it could, Steve wanted more than a few minutes, more than a few hours, more than a few days. Steve needed it for the rest of his life, no matter how long or short. He wanted to be with Bucky. But he couldn't drag his best friend—the man he loved—into the mud with him.</p><p>“Jus' leave me alone for a bit. I… I<em> can’t</em>.”</p><p>“Oh.” Bucky stepped away and rubbed at the back of his neck. He almost looked ashamed, but Steve wasn’t sure what to make of Bucky’s expression. “Oh, okay. I’ll… I’ll come by later?”</p><p>“Sounds good,” Steve forced out as Bucky headed for the door. “Tell your folks thanks for me.”</p><p>Bucky nodded, though his eyes never found Steve’s. </p><p>“Take care, punk.”</p><p>When the door clicked shut, Steve sank down to the floor, tears spilling. </p><p>He was alone.</p><p>★ ★ ★</p><p>Mr. Martinelli was looking for a bag boy. Lucky for Steve, that was easy enough. Some days were rough, because he had to carry boxes filled with canned foods. Otherwise, Steve worked hard, got paid and tried not to get sick. Keyword being <em> tried</em>. Steve still ended up being sick, so he had to call out a few times and Mr. Martinelli understood. However, this time was different. Steve was stuck in bed, painfully congested to where even <em> Bucky </em> barely understood what he said sometimes. After almost a week without going into work, his boss decided to pay Steve a visit. He knew what it meant, even though Mr. Martinelli looked truly sorry. But when there were others who <em> could </em> show up everyday and then some, of course he had to let go of Steve.</p><p>“I hear you’re an artist, Rogers,” he said.</p><p>The matter of fact statement stunned Steve. He wasn’t shy about showing his artistic side, but he wasn’t sure how Mr. Martinelli knew this about him. He simply nodded his head, trying not to sneeze in his boss’ direction.</p><p>“Look sonny, I feel for you. I really do.” Mr. Martinelli pulled out a folded flyer from his coat pocket. “I need to send some ads to the paper. Think you could come up with something? I’ll pay, of course.”</p><p>Steve didn’t know what to say. Before, when people let him go, it was usually without a second thought or a second chance. </p><p>“Yeah,” Steve choked out, mind still reeling. “Just tell me what you need in the ad and I can get it done.”</p><p>Mr. Martinelli nodded and went over some details with Steve, such as which products he wanted to emphasize and ideas for livening up the storefront sign—which of course, would have to wait until Steve was better. They would have shaken on it, but given Steve’s cold, Mr. Martinelli settled on Steve’s word. </p><p>“Alright,” his boss said as he adjusted his hat. “I can come by to pick it up, say, Sunday afternoon?”</p><p>“Sounds swell. Thank you, Mr. Martinelli.”</p><p>The older man nodded as he left. After another nap and some canned soup, Steve got work on drafting some signs in his sketchbook. He didn’t know what to do with colors, but he worked on different ways to write <em> Martinelli’s General Store</em>. </p><p>At some point, Bucky came by with soup Winifred made. It wasn’t the same as his ma’s, but Steve appreciated it all the same. He didn’t mind so much that there was a thermos full of soup in his kitchen, but he drew a line when Bucky offered to keep Steve company for the rest of the evening when he was supposed to take Patty out dancing.</p><p>“Go have fun,” Steve wheezed. “Treat her to a dance.”</p><p>“Nah, punk.” Bucky planted himself at the edge of Steve’s bed. “M’stayin’ here with you.”</p><p>He wanted to protest more, but a cough erupted from Steve before he could even get a word out. Bucky got up immediately and pat Steve’s back, doing his best to help him hack up whatever he needed to. </p><p>“Damn, you’re sweatin’ like a hog under that,” Bucky said, feigning disgust. “C’mon Stevie, let’s get you outta this and getcha into some fresh clothes.” </p><p>Steve was too tired to fight Bucky off when he helped unbutton his shirt. His head felt so heavy and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay awake. But he jerked to attention when he felt Bucky tense up.</p><p>“... who did this?”</p><p>Bucky’s voice was dark and thick with anger. Steve wasn’t sure what he was talking about at first. But then he realized what Bucky was looking at—his arm. The scars from the cigarette burns weren’t nearly as bad anymore, but they were still noticeable red circular blotches on his pale skin. </p><p>“Was it that O’Maley prick?”</p><p>Bucky was always defensive of Steve, even when Steve didn’t ask for his help. But in their lives, Steve couldn’t recall a single time Bucky sounded like an enraged animal, ready to charge at a threat. </p><p>And what a betrayal it would be for Steve to admit he himself was the culprit. </p><p>“Leave it,” Steve said as he tried wriggling his arm out of Bucky’s grasp. But Bucky wouldn’t let up, his hand still tight around Steve’s wrist.</p><p>“No, you tell me who did this to you.” </p><p>
  <em> If you tell him, he’ll hate you. </em>
</p><p>“<em>Leave it</em>,” he repeated, pulling harder this time until he was freed from Bucky’s grip.</p><p>“Damn it, Steve!” Bucky stood up and kicked the wall before storming out of the room, muttering under his breath.</p><p>Telling Bucky the truth had to be worse, right? Sure, he was mad now but maybe the fire would die down, fading into a forgotten ember. He didn’t know what Bucky would do if he knew. It was another secret to hide. Steve was used to that now. A few minutes later, Bucky came back with a warm bowl of soup. Steve eyed it, not feeling all that hungry. But Bucky held it out for him to take, and it was best not to agitate him more.</p><p>“Eat the damn soup.”</p><p>The wrath had disappeared from Bucky’s voice, but it was by no means warm. Steve just nodded and ate spoonful after spoonful mindlessly. He felt Bucky’s eyes needling through his skin, watching his every move. </p><p>“Your face is gonna freeze like that,” Steve grumbled as he lifted the bowl to his lips, finishing the rest of the soup.</p><p>“If it means you’ll stay outta trouble, I’d be happy to have an ugly mug for the rest of my life.”</p><p>As if Bucky could ever be ugly. Bucky was one of the most beautiful people Steve ever laid eyes on, even without being in love with him. The artist in Steve always saw the beauty in his best friend—dark curls, sharp jaw, dimple chin and his gray-blue eyes always took Steve’s breath away.</p><p>“If you get an ugly mug, how are you gonna land a dame?”</p><p>Bucky snorted. “I still got my winnin’ Barnes charm, Stevie. I could woo anyone.”</p><p>
  <em> Yeah, you could. </em>
</p><p>“And if no gal wants me, then we can just be old hermits and live anywhere s’long as it’s not Jersey.”</p><p>It was Steve’s turn to chuckle at the thought of them being itty bitty old men, bickering over who left their socks on the floor and whose turn it was to take out the trash. They’d spend their days listening to the radio, Bucky dragging Steve to dance in their living room, even though Steve had a painting to work on. And Steve would gladly be a housewife for Bucky. Cook all the meals, keep the place clean and keep Bucky warm at night. </p><p>It’d be nice to live that long, Steve thought. Long enough to have a lifetime of memories with Bucky. Once Bucky went back home—after Steve’s constant insistence—Steve continued to think about what it would mean to live with Bucky forever. What would it be like to wake up next Bucky every morning? What would it be like to live in their own world, away from everyone else and without fear?</p><p>Steve fell asleep and dreamed of the house he and Bucky would have. It wouldn’t be extravagant by any means, but bigger than Steve could do anything with. Their walls were thick and their bed the most comfortable mattress in the world. They have a working heater and all the food they could need. And they were happy.</p><p>★ ★ ★</p><p>The next day was a little warmer, with little to no wind. Steve felt a little better after a nice bowl of soup and a good dream, so he put on a coat and went outside. Autumn would soon be taken over by winter and a new year would be ushered in. Steve hoped that with his new deal with his boss, he could get enough money for a new coat. And maybe this year, he could actually get a decent meal for Christmas. </p><p>The first half of the walk was relatively uneventful, and on days like this, Steve preferred that. It gave him time to be more attentive to what people wore, how they moved, how they talked. He’d been lacking inspiration, so a quiet walk like this was good for him.</p><p>But then he saw the box.</p><p>It was a relatively small box filled with clothes, next to a few garbage cans. Normally, Steve wouldn’t have paid it any attention—people have been selling clothes left and right for a few extra bucks and threw away what couldn’t be sold. But what caught his eye was pink fabric that spilled out of the corner of the box. Upon closer inspection, Steve saw that it was a dress, and it seemed to be in good enough condition. He turned around to make sure no one was near him before picking it up and holding it out in front of him. Seeing that it seemed to be close to his size, that it might actually fit if he tried it sent shivers up his back. Steve shoved the dress under his coat and ran back home, both thrilled and terrified. No one saw him, he thought and hoped. And it was being thrown away anyway, so what harm would there be in taking the dress?</p><p>When he got home, Steve took another close look at the dress, admiring its plain beauty. A good wash would do wonders for it, and Steve didn’t waste any time. He washed it as gently as he could so as to not ruin his newly found treasure. After washing all the soap out, Steve pulled a wooden chair from the kitchen into his room and placed the dress on it to dry. He couldn’t risk hanging it on a line for someone else to see and ask questions. And once it was fully dried, Steve could hide it at the bottom of his drawer, in hopes that one day, he’d put it on, just for himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Here's the dress Steve found:<br/></p><p>He's gonna look so cute in it (and yes, he's gonna wear it)! Poor baby Steve just wants to be Bucky's good lil' housewife. Mayhaps he will be!</p><p>Please continue to stay safe throughout all of this! And to peeps who are done with midterms, treat yourselves!</p><p>If you're 18+ please register to vote if you haven't already! And if you're in California like I am, please make sure you get your mail-in ballot! We're all supposed to get one. Fill it out and mail that shit!</p><p>As always kudos and comments mean the world to me! See y'all next update!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>The admission would damn him, not that it mattered. It seemed that Steve Rogers was damned from the start.</i>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the wait folks, but here we are! A longer chapter and double the smut!</p>
<p>Also I apologize for any typos I'm running on little to no sleep and horniness.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In the end, Steve relented and got the best of both worlds. Steve got to stay in his apartment, and Bucky moved in to help with rent and other necessities. He protested for as long as he could, and even showed Bucky the amount he had saved up in case things went down the drain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But a few extra dollars wouldn’t be bad, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They had to rearrange the apartment around once Bucky arrived. He took Steve’s old room while Steve took Sarah’s. Bucky, of course, argued that they could share a room, especially with how cold winter would be. He went on telling Steve that he could use Sarah’s room as a sort-of art studio, where he could paint in peace. His mother would have wanted that too, he thinks. But it was difficult to separate it from being Sarah’s room, and that Steve was just occupying it in her stead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can just share in the winter.” That was all Steve could muster, and Bucky didn’t push it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Having Bucky as a roommate was an adjustment, but not an unpleasant one. Living with Bucky meant he got to see every side of him that the girls he danced with didn’t see. Steve saw the drool marks on his chin from a good night’s sleep. He saw the way Bucky shaved his face smooth. He saw how Bucky took his coffee—with most of their sugar ration. Steve saw more than most girls. And yet, every Friday night, Steve’s heart broke when Bucky went out, in search of a pretty thing in a skirt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Steve drew while he nursed on a glass of whiskey, cheeks growing warmer with every sip. He didn’t remember nearly falling asleep on the couch or putting the whiskey away, but Steve was definitely awake when Bucky stumbled through the front door, much to his surprise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey… hey Stevie,” he slurred, crumpling onto the couch. “You awake?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Y-Yeah, Buck.” Steve rubbed his face. “What happened? Thought you were gonna be out all night with Elsie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She didn’t wanna stay after the dance,” Bucky hiccuped. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened to that Barnes charm?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dunno Stevie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve put Bucky’s arm around his shoulder and helped him over to his room. Bucky fell onto his bed with a small </span>
  <em>
    <span>oof</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and Steve worked on getting his shoes off, unlacing them then placing them by the foot of the bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Steve</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Bucky whined. “C’m’here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Against his better judgment, Steve sat next to Bucky, staying on the edge of the bed only for Bucky to grab his arm and pull him down. Before he could react, Steve crashed onto the mattress with Bucky climbing on top of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky brought his face close to Steve’s, gazing at him intently. A blush crept onto Steve’s cheeks and as much as he wanted to look away, his eyes were locked onto Bucky’s, filled with longing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, you’re so pretty, Stevie,” Bucky whispered. “Jus’ like a girl.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not a girl,” Steve countered, still keeping eye contact as Bucky cupped his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Still awfully pretty, though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky seized Steve’s mouth with his own, a frenzied kiss that Steve returned, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s neck. Bucky wasted no time in undoing his pants, never once leaving the warm comfort of Steve’s lips, tongues seeking each other out. They were breathing each other in, every inhale, every exhale, and Steve was </span>
  <em>
    <span>exhilarated</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time Bucky freed his throbbing dick, Steve was close to coming just from the sheer friction of Bucky grinding his thigh between his legs, his own cock wet with precome. Bucky tugged at Steve’s underwear, nearly tearing the damn thing off and settled himself between Steve’s milky thighs, gripping them hard enough to bruise. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look’it you, doll,” Bucky groaned. “So fuckin’ needy, aren’tcha?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve mewled as Bucky worked at the base of his neck, sucking like his life depended on it. Slowly, Bucky rocked his hips, easing some of the pressure off Steve before thrusting again, sliding them together. He threw his head back, eyes screwed tight as he began a slow rhythm, savoring Steve against him. A moan escaped from Steve, lips parted as Bucky added more pressure.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Buck… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Bucky</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Steve cried out, grabbing at his best friend’s shoulders. This was so much different than his own hands, than Bucky’s hands. The pit of his stomach coiled with pleasure, wounding tighter and tighter as Bucky’s movements grew rough and frantic. The bed creaked under them, backing the orchestra of skin slapping against skin and Steve’s voice getting higher and higher.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Bucky rasped, looking down at Steve. He leaned down to kiss him, mouths completely open so that he could suck on Steve’s tongue, making the blonde tear up and whimper. He couldn’t understand what Steve was saying through the kisses, but Bucky could tell Steve wanted more by the way he wrapped his legs around his waist.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You gonna come with me, Stevie,” he asked, panting with every thrust. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes</span>
  </em>
  <span>, please!” Steve was close, he was so fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>close</span>
  </em>
  <span> and desperate and needy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve cried as he came, come spilling out of him as Bucky reached between them, stroking their cocks together. He grunted as his hips stuttered, coating Steve’s stomach with white.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky stayed on top of Steve, both of them trying to catch their breath. But with alcohol on their breaths and the high coming down, they fell asleep, sticky and tangled together.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Steve woke up alone the next morning. He had a blanket on him and his stomach didn’t feel as sticky as it did after… </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could hear some noises in the kitchen. Steve got up from bed and left his—Bucky’s—room and saw Bucky sitting at the kitchen table, cup of coffee in hand. He had his elbow propped up on the table, his head resting on his palm.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Steve—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bucky, I—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stared at each other. This was it, Steve thought. This was going to be the end of their friendship. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re a freakshow, Steve. Why would he want you?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I’m sorry, Steve.” Bucky’s eyes were wet with shame. “I made you do those things and it wasn’t right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve’s mouth went dry. His mind was running a thousand miles a second, but none of the words came out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you want me to leave, I understand.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait.” Steve reached out, wanting to place his hand on Bucky’s chest, but stopped and pulled back when he got too close. “You… you didn’t… I didn’t mind, Buck. It…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It felt good.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The admission would damn him, not that it mattered. It seemed that Steve Rogers was damned from the start. But to say it out loud… that would damn Bucky, too. And Steve couldn’t have that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was just helpin’ you out,” he said. “And… if you need help again, I’d be willing to help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky stared hard into Steve’s eyes, picking at his soul to see if he truly meant it. Steve was at a loss for any other words to convey the consuming flame within him without actually having to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you mean that,” Bucky asked finally, voice even.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky inched closer to Steve slowly, as if to give him the chance to call it off. But Steve stood still, feet firmly planted as Bucky took his face in his hands. His eyes were pleading, asking Steve if this was okay. It was more than okay, and Steve was going to lose his nerve if he didn’t move in that instant. He yanked Bucky by the collar, bringing him down for a kiss, drinking in the gasp that left Bucky’s lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As soon as their lips met, Bucky’s resolve melted and in one swift motion, he lifted Steve up, allowing him to hook his legs around his waist. With handfuls of Steve’s ass in his hands, Bucky walked them back to his room, Steve grinding against him all the while. Once they landed on the bed, Bucky tugged at Steve’s shirt. They parted only to remove their clothes, shucking everything off until they were bare. And suddenly, Steve found himself bashful. This was uncharted territory for them. Sure, they’d seen each other naked before, but never like this. Bucky was beautifully sculpted with broad shoulders, strong arms from working at the docks and legs for days. In comparison, Steve was a short Ichabod Crane, a scarecrow of a thing. But with the way Bucky stared at him, Steve could have sworn that maybe, just maybe, he was beautiful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky pressed another firm kiss on Steve’s lips before moving down to his neck, where bruises from last night remained. His kisses trailed further down to the center of Steve’s chest. He licked a stripe right between his pecs as Steve squirmed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, look at these pretty pink nipples.” Bucky caught one of them between his teeth, making Steve yelp and arch his back. Bucky smirked as he lapped at the teased nub and brought his hand over to the neglected nipple, pinching and rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger. Beneath him, Steve was trembling at the attention his chest was getting. His mind was static with each movement Bucky made and he groaned as Bucky nudged his legs apart to make room for himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“B-Bucky,” Steve whined. He grabbed a fistful of Bucky’s hair, tangling his fingers in the dark locks. A low chuckle rumbled from Bucky’s chest, and feeling the vibrations made Steve lose his mind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re so sweet for me,” Bucky murmured as he gave Steve’s nipple one last lick before trailing down his flat stomach. “And we’re just gettin’ started. Whaddaya say, Steve? Want me to keep goin’?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve nodded eagerly with little shame, biting on his lower lip.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright then, doll.” He worked at undoing Steve’s pants, pulling them down and tossing them somewhere across the room. His eyes drank Steve in for all that he was—a full-bodied blushing man with a dick that was hard for </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Bucky licked and nipped at Steve’s skin as he kissed from his knee down to his inner thigh. His heart clenched as Steve shivered at every touch, gripping at the sheets beneath them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look so fucking delicious.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sh-Shut up,” Steve muttered half-heartedly. “Jus’ fuckin’ touch me already.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My, my, Rogers,” Bucky said with a smirk. “What a filthy mouth you got on you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve was about to say more, only to be cut off by Bucky licking up from his balls to the tip of his leaking cock.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“F-Fuck,” he said, shivering. “C-Can you do that again?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do what?” Bucky asked, then licked at him again. “That?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Bucky</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As you wish, Stevie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He took a bit of Steve in his mouth, taking in the blonde’s boyish musk. Steve was rather small there, so it wasn’t much effort on Bucky’s part. Bucky bobbed his head, encouraged by the eager sounds Steve made.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“B-Buck, </span>
  <em>
    <span>wait</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky pulled off, looking at Steve with concern. “Are you okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Was.... didn’t wanna come yet.” Steve’s face was red ear to ear, and the sight made Bucky’s dick throb. “‘Sides, didn’t take care of you yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How’d I get so lucky,” Bucky said, heart swelling with affection. “Nah, Stevie. I got somethin’ else in store for you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked over towards the side table. “Open that up and grab the vaseline.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve complied, but his hands trembled as he obeyed. He was putting two and two together. After all, they lived in Brooklyn. He heard people talk about how men fucked, and since then, all he wanted was for Bucky to be buried deep in him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky grabbed the jar from Steve and unscrewed the top while Steve hitched up his legs, holding them to give Bucky easy access. He coated his fingers with a generous amount of the jelly and did his best to warm it up before looking back up at Steve.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Breathe for me,” he said, circling his finger around Steve’s hole. As he sank his finger in, both Steve and Bucky groaned. Steve hadn’t played with his ass before, so he didn’t know what to expect. But with Bucky’s finger slicked up, the stretch wasn’t much. Yet. And for Bucky, the idea of how tight and hot Steve was, and how he’d feel around his cock, it was almost too much.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There you go.” Bucky worked his finger in and out, slow at first to get Steve used to it. When he felt Steve relax a bit, he slipped in another finger. This time, Steve bit his lip to keep himself from moaning too loudly. The last thing they needed was one of their neighbors hearing them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“More,” Steve gasped. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I gotcha.” Bucky scissored his fingers, Steve loosening enough for a third finger. He moved with purpose, searching for— </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>A-Ahh!</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There we go.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky chuckled. “That feel nice, doll?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Again,” Steve begged. “Please!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky obliged, brushing over Steve’s prostate a few more times before withdrawing his fingers. Steve whined at the loss and reached out helplessly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bucky, I want—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“—I’ll give it to you.” Bucky kissed Steve’s inner thigh. “Just keep yourself open like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve hummed as Bucky grabbed more vaseline, slathering some on his cock. He lined himself up with Steve’s entrance, resting the tip against the rim, but not yet breaching. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ready,” he asked. Steve gulped audibly, but nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky pressed into Steve only about an inch, and Steve already thought he died and went to heaven. All the people he heard were right. Whatever nerves were there felt so fucking good as his hole stretched around Bucky, almost sucking him in. There was a slight burn, but something about it—maybe just the idea of being filled—was perfect. He dug his nails into Bucky’s back, breathing labored as he was filled completely, feeling Bucky’s balls against his ass.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Easy, Stevie.” Bucky peppered Steve’s face with kisses. “That’s it, doll. You gonna be okay? I’m not hurtin’ you?” Bucky locked eyes with Steve. It wouldn’t be enough to hear him say it. After all, Steve was known for acting tough and downplaying pain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a lot,” Steve said, his eyes brimming with tears. He leaned up and kissed Bucky on the cheek. “But I want it. I want this.” This was the closest they’ve ever been, and maybe the closest they’ll ever be. Bucky was so deep inside that Steve could almost </span>
  <em>
    <span>taste</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. Steve wanted to savor this for as long as possible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve wanted this my whole life.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay. M’gonna move.” Bucky bracketed his arms on either side of Steve, cradling him. “If it hurts, you tell me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He rolled his hips cautiously, just to make sure Steve was used to him before truly pulling out and thrusting back in. A broken sob slipped past Steve's lips, with more tears spilling from him. Bucky kissed his cheeks and temples before slipping his tongue into Steve’s mouth, kissing him hotly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I gotcha, Steve,” Bucky murmured. “Always gotcha.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Keep me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky stilled, and the realization that Steve had said that out loud filled him with dread.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I-I—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stevie</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve was full-on crying now, chest heaving. But Bucky stayed with him, wiping at his cheeks with his thumb.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For as long as you want,” Bucky said. “I’ll always keep you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For… f-forever,” Steve asked, trembling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky pressed their lips together, the kiss chaste. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Forever.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He held Steve to him, arms wrapping around his back as he started thrusting again. Not once did they stop kissing once Steve cups Bucky’s face and kisses him with all the longing that built up inside of him. His entire life up until now had been yearning for what he thought was impossible. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wet, squelching noises grew louder as Bucky moved faster, finding Steve’s prostate once more. Steve whimpered in Bucky’s ear, not that he seemed to mind. In turn, Bucky grunted sweet nothings to Steve. How the sounds Steve made were cute. How cute he was, brows furrowed, eyes wet, face red and lips parted. And how fucking pretty Steve was, filled with his cock. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pretty—the word that started it all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve was overcome with emotion as he felt the building tightness pooling in his stomach. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“B-Buh… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Bucky</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he whined. “I’m c-close!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let go for me, doll.” Bucky was sprinting home now, hips brutally as he gently urged Steve. “Let me feel you let go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He chanted Bucky’s name like a prayer, crying out as he clenched around Bucky and spilled between their stomachs. Bucky didn’t last much longer, telling Steve how good he was as he emptied into him, relishing in Steve’s tight heat a little longer before pulling out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky looked around and grabbed his shirt, bringing it to Steve’s stomach to sop up the white streaks as best as he could. Then moved down between Steve’s legs, taking extra care to be gentle as he cleaned Steve up. The gesture made Steve’s heart flutter. As Bucky tossed his shirt back, Steve pulled him for another quick kiss. They both settled back into bed, agreeing that they could be lazy today and take a nap.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve didn’t know what hell would await them, but he was sure that this slice of Eden was worth it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>THEY DID IT! *CONFETTI*</p>
<p>Steve and Bucky are finally on their way to admitting they love each other and boning on the regular. I think my favorite bit is Steve asking Bucky to keep him. Idk why I thought of it but it hit me right in the honey nut feelios and I hope it got you too. </p>
<p>As always, comments and kudos are much appreciated! So far every comment has added to my health bar. Perhaps soon I will level up and defeat the boss: College. If you feel like it, follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/queerestblues">twitter</a> where sometimes I talk about Steve wearing a maid outfit and other random stucky things.</p>
<p>See y'all in the next update!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A surprise Valentine's Day Weekend update!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They fucked every day. Sometimes it meant Steve was bent over the couch and sometimes it meant Steve rode Bucky until they both came. It was a hushed bliss that gave Steve butterflies every time Bucky buried himself completely in him. There were no words to label what they had, what they did. It wasn’t like they could be lovers, recognized in the eyes of God. But it was the closest to heaven Steve ever felt and for now, that was enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky stopped going out and Steve almost hated how much he loved it. Almost. He and Bucky had more time to get lost in each other, in every kiss and every touch. As soon as he got home from work, Bucky loved on Steve fiercely, mapping out his entire body with his mouth and kept him close, as if the world was going to end in moments. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>One night, however, Bucky was more tired than usual. Steve could see it in his walk, how his feet dragged along their apartment floor. He helped Bucky over to the couch, patting his hand on his lap for Bucky to rest his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay,” Steve asked, softly running his hands through Bucky’s hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nothin,’” Bucky grumbled. “Just sore from work. A guy—Johnson—got into an accident. We’ve been picking up his work since then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Awww, poor baby,” Steve cooed, making Bucky snort. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be fine but… this is nice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the next few days, Steve doted on Bucky by making sure there was hot water ready for him to wash up and going as far as to ask Winifred for her knish recipe, only for her to insist on bringing some over. In all the years they’ve known each other, Bucky had given Steve everything, putting him as his number one priority. Even now, being so utterly exhausted from physical labor, he made time smother Steve in kisses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Steve Rogers had a plan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve stared at his reflection. There wasn’t much to like and he often wondered what Bucky found attractive. He called Steve pretty, and he supposed there were some feminine features to him, like his long fluttering lashes and full lips. He didn’t know what to make of his beak of a nose, and he was a bag of bones with sickly pale skin and uneven patches of freckles along his shoulder blades. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly, with trembling hands, Steve uncapped the tube of dark red lipstick he mustered up the courage to buy from the department store. The saleswoman must have been laughing as soon as he left because he was a stuttering mess, doing his best to lie about a girl he had that mentioned she was running low on her favorite shade. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He inhaled deeply, shivering as he felt the air leaving his lungs when he breathed out. His eyes wandered over to the bed, where the dress he had found weeks ago was laid out. Between working on signs for Mr. Martinelli and getting new supplies, Steve managed to get the dress washed and dried. He tried it on a few times before today, finding the flowing skirt freeing. The fabric hugged his waist, and the frill of the collar made him feel… well. Not quite beautiful. But something close to that.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And yet Steve wondered if this was ridiculous. Here he was, standing in their bedroom in his underwear, psyching himself up to just put the damn thing on and paint his lips red. Somehow, the idea of putting the two things together made it more real. And if it’s real, it could be Steve’s dream come true. But it was just as likely to be something Bucky hated.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>C’mon, Rogers. You’re not gonna know until you try.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This is for Bucky</span>
  </em>
  <span> became Steve’s mantra as he slipped the dresses on and brought the lipstick to his lips.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Bucky wanted to be a good man for Steve. If the law allowed it, he’d make an honest man out of Steve and marry him. But there wasn’t such a thing, so Bucky had to work with what they had. It meant not going out and flirting with every pretty little thing in a skirt. It meant making sure Steve was eating well and was taken care of, not that the blonde would easily accept help. Bucky was going to do right by him, damn it, because Steve Rogers was worth the effort. He was worth the universe and then some.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Steve,” he called out, taking off his jacket, then his shoes. “Stevie, you home?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here,” Steve called from their room. Bucky padded over, curious. Normally, he’d find Steve in the living room, sketching away or at the dining table, having a cup of coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he opened the bedroom door, Bucky’s eyes widened. He knew Steve to be crafty, but this display had Bucky floored. The blonde was wearing a pink dress he’d never seen before, wrapped like the best present Bucky would ever receive. He was filled with the desire to rip it off and ravish Steve then and there. And the little shit knew what he was doing with the way he positioned himself, leaning back with his legs crossed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What… what’s all this,” Bucky asked, slowly approaching the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-You've been stressed out,” Steve said, almost trying to justify it all. “Thought you could use a lil' fun.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Huh</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Bucky croaked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve bit down on his lower lip, tears budding in the corners of his eyes as he turned away. He gathered some of the dress in his fists, ready to tear it off at a moment’s notice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forget it,” he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, wait. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Steve.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Bucky grabbed Steve by his wrists, meeting some resistance as the blonde squirmed.  “You wanna be my good time gal?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Those words, that title, sent shivers down Steve’s spine. He shuddered as Bucky sat down next to him, pulling him into his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Steve said, melting into Bucky’s touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, honey,” Bucky drawled, kissing Steve’s forehead. “Thank you for bein’ so sweet on me.” He began to mouth at the base of Steve’s neck, lips grazing against the pale skin. It hadn’t even been a full ten minutes, and Bucky was already hard, dick straining against the fabric of his trousers. Steve must have felt him, because he began to grind his hips, desperate for contact.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just hurry up and fuckin’ touch me already,” Steve whined. Bucky jolted his hips upwards, making Steve yelp. He quickly brought a hand to his mouth, his eyebrows furrowing and cheeks reddening. Bucky sped up the movement of his hips and despite his best efforts, muffled moans escaped Steve, growing higher in pitch. God, Steve was such a vision.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The mouth on you,” Bucky growled. “Look at you, gettin’ all quiet when you get what you want.” Steve moved his hand away and opened his mouth to protest, only for Bucky to flip Steve onto his back and nudged himself between his legs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought this was supposed to be my present.” He lifted up the skirt of the dress, hiking it above Steve’s hips as the blonde spread his legs further, holding the back of his knees. Under the frills, Bucky saw how stiff Steve was and held back a groan in disbelief. The punk wasn’t wearing any underwear, and Bucky swore that Steve was out to kill him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone had some wishful thinkin’.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Buck,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Steve gasped. “I was s-supposed to take care of you…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Shhhh.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Bucky’s hand snaked between Steve’s thighs, thumb brushing against his balls before taking a gentle hold of Steve’s dick. He gave it a few tugs, eyes darkening as he watched Steve fall apart. “I like makin’ you squirm, doll. Just relax and take what I give you. Can you do that for me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Hnngh.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Steve’s back arched. Bucky shifted up, and brought two fingers to Steve’s lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get them wet, won’t you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve obeyed, taking them in his mouth. If Bucky wasn’t going to let Steve suck him off, the least he could do was show off on his fingers. He swirled his tongue around, drool seeping past his lips, dribbling down his chin and making his lipstick run.</span>
</p><p><span>“</span><em><span>Fuck</span></em><span>,</span> <span>you’re so pretty.” When he deemed his fingers wet enough, Bucky withdrew them, a thin string of spit connecting his fingers to Steve’s lips. Knowing what was coming next, Steve grabbed one of the pillows to Bucky so he could slip it under his hips. Once Steve was settled in place, Bucky traced Steve’s puckered hole with his finger in lazy circles. Steve gasped under his touch, breath hitching in anticipation.    </span></p><p>
  <span>“Bucky, I swear to God, if you don’t—</span>
  <em>
    <span>hmmm</span>
  </em>
  <span>!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One finger slipped into him, and the stretch, though slight, made Steve’s heart flutter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sweetheart, did you already prep yourself?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“J-Just a little,” Steve moaned. “Wanted to be ready for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm, looks like you could use a bit more.” Annoyed, Steve shot Bucky a look, making the brunette laugh. “Indulge me a lil’ longer, Stevie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seeing as Steve what somewhat loose and relaxed already, Bucky went ahead and slipped another two fingers in, spreading them out while searching for— </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>There!</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve’s cock was dripping with precome, leaking onto his lower stomach and down his shaft. As Bucky stroked his prostate, his cock throbbed at Steve becoming a desperate mess, rocking his hips to take more of Bicky’s fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s enough,” Steve groaned. He let go of one of his legs and reached for the bedside table rummaging the drawer for the jar of vaseline. He tossed it near Bucky and hitched his legs further. “C’mon. I need it and I know you wan’ it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bossiest punk in the whole damn world,” Bucky said with a low chuckle. He withdrew his fingers, Steve shuddering at the loss, and unbuttoned his pants. Not even bothering to take them off all the way, Bucky slipped his dick out and slicked himself up with the vaseline. He eased his way towards Steve’s entrance, thumping the head of his cock against it before pressing into him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first minute was Steve’s favorite. The initial stretch and fullness, completely surrounding Bucky and not knowing where he ended and Bucky began was so much. Too much, sometimes. And if it wasn’t already so much for Steve to bear, Bucky always cradled him close, as if he were going to disappear in a moment’s notice. Their bodies were pressed together, joined at the deepest point. Bucky was fully sheathed inside him and pressed kisses onto his temple. The heat is overwhelming in the best way, as though he were wrapped in God’s land of warm milk and honey and in hell simultaneously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Steve gasps.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky freezes, and it comes to Steve’s attention that he said those three words out loud. I. Love. You. The biggest words he could ever say. They never felt the need to say it before, because all the hidden kisses and touches were enough. Living together was enough. But Steve couldn’t keep himself from saying it, and now he was deflating, because Bucky was still and staring at him, wide-eyed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to love me,” Steve said, voice small and on the verge of breaking. But before any tears could even form, Bucky captured his lips with his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Steve,” Bucky breathed. “You dumb punk. I love you. You’re everything.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>And so much more</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Bucky kissed Steve’s face and started to move, Steve feeling so sensitive that he bites down on Bucky’s shoulder to keep quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So good, Stevie.” Bucky whispered between kisses, Steve’s lipstick smearing. “You’re so goddamn </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Could be inside you all the time, promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“D-Don’t let go,” Steve chokes out. “Keep h-holding me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always gotcha.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s thrusts were fueled by that promise, to never let Steve go. He would hold onto him forever, and not even death could tear him away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always gonna have you, Stevie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“B-Buck, </span>
  <em>
    <span>daddy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I-I—”  Steve didn’t know where the endearment came from, but he’d been thinking about it and the idea of calling Bucky </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> made his dick stir when he was alone. Bucky always took care of him and whether he liked it or not, he paid for most of the majority of their rent and other things. He’d heard some girls call their boyfriends “daddy” when he was out sketching in the park, and well… it just seemed to fit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something inside Bucky snaps, and before he realizes it, he slams against Steve’s hips at a brutal, feral pace. Steve’s voice grew hoarse, throat sore from trying to mute his own delirious screams as Bucky brushes against his prostate over and over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy,” he repeated, like a prayer. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Daddydaddydaddy </span>
  </em>
  <span>m’close!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where do you wan’ it, baby,” Bucky asked. “On your pretty lil’ face? Hm? Or do you wan’ me to come deep inside you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Inside,” Steve begged, clawing at Bucky’s back, nearly tearing his shirt. “Fill me… knock me up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And just as easily as Steve surrendered to Bucky, Bucky surrendered to Steve. He emptied everything into Steve. His come. His love. His soul. All of it poured so far into Steve, that he could almost taste it. Steve came with a cry, spilling between them. They stayed connected for what felt like an eternity, clothes sticking to their skin and mouths open, tasting each other, drinking each other in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Bucky murmured, cupping Steve’s face and running his thumbs across his cheeks. “You gotta know that, Steve.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do,” he promised. “I love you, too.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys! I didn't forget about this fic but woooooo depression has been a major thing to deal with. Steve finally wore the dress and gets to be Bucky's good time gal! I'm currently powered by very little/poor sleep and a LOT of caffeine (Cuban coffee and milk tea is both killing me and keeping me alive) and this is unbeta'd so please forgive any mistakes.</p><p>If you guys want, please feel free to check out my other stucky fics! And if you want, you can find me on twitter (@queerestblues) and tumblr (@marvelling-you), though I will need to update my tumblr lol. </p><p>Comments and kudos seriously make my month! I always get excited when I get an email notification! </p><p>I'll see you next update! Be good. I love you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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